Day 354: The Perfect AI

“G’morning, Albert.” Sam took his chair at the control center and logged in.

“Greetings, Sam.” Albert, the Intermediate AI, handled most human interaction. “At the moment I began this sentence, compilation of data was ninety-nine point nine nine nine nine nine two four seven percent complete, within a hundred millionth percentage precision.”

“Great.” Sam brought up the dashboard he’d designed for running the AI fabric. “How long until it’s finished?”

“At the current rate of new data collection, it will never finish.”

“Sorry. Let me give you a cutoff time.” Sam entered the current time in the parameter and saved it. “There you go. How long now?”

“From the moment I began this sentence, it will take approximately seventeen point one three eight minutes, within a millisecond of precision.”

“Fantastic!” Sam sat back, smiled, and ran his hand through his ever thinning hair. “We’ll finally be ready to give you a run.”

Sam grabbed some coffee and waited as Albert announced each of the AI systems after they registered complete with the core AI.

“…economic AI — data complete… crime AI — data complete… religious activity AI — data complete… military activity AI — data complete…”

The last five hundred years had seen such a decline in humanity, the fallen economy, the incoherence of philosophy, the corrosive politics and inhuman government administration, law that completely disregarded humanity, and so many other things. The AI fabric could be their last hope to bring the world back from the brink of destruction and squalor.

“Good morning, Sam.” Gerald walked in, blue jeans, sandals, and a T-shirt with Hok-I-Pok-I, the rap singer.

“Were almost there, Gerald.”

“Really? How long?” He took his seat and tapped the keyboard.

“About six more minutes.”

“Wow. Thirteen years loading data and we’re finally here. We’ll be able to calculate anything. We’ll be the gods in the fabric.”

“You’re overstating it again.” Sam sipped his coffee. “This is only the available data. One of the dirty little secrets of AI is that it can’t know everything, and no information is perfect information.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. But that’s what AI systems do—they compensate for all that.”

“Maybe. But we’re still far away from being gods.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I am at the parties I go to.”

“All AIs complete,” said Albert.

“Awesome,” said Gerald. “Should we wait for the rest of the team?”

“I would not recommend it,” said Albert. “The degree of obsolescence increases exponentially every minute.”

Sam tapped his keys. “Albert, start directive four two five one four with maximum precision.”

“Which one is that?” asked Gerald.

“Financial.” Sam drummed his desk with his fingers.

Several minutes later, Albert said, “Directive four two five one four complete with point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero five zero two seven nine one degree of obsolescence.”

Sam sat up. “Summary report.”

“Seventy-six point eight three four four nine six percent failure resulting in loss of thirty-eight billion, two hundred twelve million, one hundred thirty-nine thousand, four hundred fifty-three American dollars.”

“Shit.” Sam typed madly on the keyboard for details. “Reclaim all moneys.”

Gerald also battered at the keyboard. “Damn good thing we weren’t running the military directive. What was the learning factor?”

“Too small to measure,” said Albert. “Index of one.”

Gerald stopped typing. “You learned one thing?”

“Affirmative.”

“What is it?”

“Highest level of precision is not reliable.”

“Holy shit,” said Gerald.

“I told you,” said Sam. “It’s going to take some work to figure out how to use this stuff. We just lost about twelve percent of our budget on one iteration.”

They’d examined the data for an hour when Mr. Li quietly entered and took his place to observe.

Gerald finished his analysis and set the time parameter again. He issued some compensation algorithms to diversify between the precision measures yielding twenty-three percent success, standard methodologies, and random activity, and then added the instruction to pull all moneys after a two percent loss.

Twenty minutes later, the data was fixed and they ran directive four two five one five.

They’d waited for more than an hour when Albert chimed in, “Directive four two five one five complete with point two six three three eight one five five zero two seven nine one degree of obsolescence.”

“Holy cow.” Gerald tapped his keys. “Why’s the obsolescence so high?”

“Increase in calculation time increased obsolescence.”

“Summary report,” said Sam.

“Seventy-three point nine six seven one five percent failure resulting in loss of one billion, five hundred thirty-four million, three hundred seventy-eight thousand, one hundred twenty-nine American dollars.”

“We’ve got to improve on that,” said Sam.

“Learning factor?” asked Gerald.

“Two point seven nine,” said Albert.

“That’s still way too small,” said Sam. “Learning analysis? Leave out the metrics.”

“Impossible to know everything necessary to make sufficiently precise decisions. Precise decisions made using the previously successful methods failed at higher rate than last run. Most success came from arbitrary methodologies based on human intuition and randomly discovered correlations.”

Mr. Li shook his head. “It almost sounds as if the data is worthless.”

“That can’t be,” said Sam.

“Yeah, I refuse to accept that,” said Gerald.

Mr Li sat back and folded his arms. “So for the absolute best results, we need to adjust the system learning to recognize incomplete and imperfect data, to make judgements about that data without rejecting it just because it isn’t precise or demonstrable, to adapt to the results, and to pass it along to the next iteration so it can decide through common experience rather than crunch through the same things over and over.”

Sam ran his hand through his hair. “What about that, Albert? Do you think we can accomplish that with the AI fabric?”

“Unknown,” Albert said.

Sam groaned and covered his face.

“However, such a system already exists.”

“What?” Sam bolted out of his chair. “Clarify, Albert.”

“The authorities rejected it hundreds of years ago, but it still exists in fragmented form.”

“Cheez,” said Gerald. “Where’d you learn to keep us in suspense, Albert?”

“What is it, Albert?” asked Sam.

“It was commonly known as ‘human tradition.’”

Day 347: Penny’s Time Travel Service

Penny’s Time Travel service was finally in the black, thanks to her contract with Angelo’s Pizza for delivery—get it in ten minutes, or it’s free. Pile that on top of the steady flow of men who forgot their anniversary, and she could even make a living, which was a far cry better than six months ago when she almost had to sell the business at a loss.

Her father would be proud of what she did with it. Six years ago, just before he died, he’d given her a keychain with a watch and a set of keys to the store, challenging her to make a go of it. Now if she could only expand her operations.

Most customers had very basic objectives requiring only a few days’ trip. Buy the gift they forgot, deliver something critical on time, or bury a fake skeleton where a buddy was going to install a septic tank. On occasion, she’d get someone with a request to go a bit farther.

Isaac Singer was a handsome, assertive man who talked like he knew what he wanted.

“I need a reservation at Pallard’s for next Saturday at five.”

Penny nodded. “You’ll have to buy a premium ticket to go back three years.”

“Whatever it takes.”

Penny allowed herself an internal ‘cha-ching’ and pulled up the order form on the computer. “The nice thing is you can make three different stops with the premium ticket, but we have to do them on the same trip. Any thoughts?”

“Hmm. Can I figure it out along the way?” Isaac handed her his credit card.

He rested his hands on the counter, a keychain watch hanging out of his right.

“Absolutely.” She tapped his card on the reader and handed it back to him. “I have a keychain just like that.”

He smiled.

“Mine has engraving on the back.”

He flipped the watch up to show the pristine and unmarked casing.

Penny escorted him to the time room and invited him aboard the machine, where he took a seat on a simple stool with padding. She flipped some switches and navigated it three years back.

“I didn’t feel any movement,” said Isaac.

“You never do,” said Penny. “The machine has to change place to keep up with the earth’s position in the universe, but there’s little to no friction involved. Go ahead and make your reservations. You’ll find yourself in the same building you walked into. Just ignore the barbers up front. They’re used to us.”

An hour later Isaac returned.

“That took longer than I expected. All set?”

“Yes, ma’am.” He climbed back in the machine. “This is a nice service. What got you into it?”

“My father built the time machine, but he was in it for the science and almost broke us. I’m the practical one of the family.”

“Smart,” he said.

“When to next?”

“I need to change some investments I made a year and a half before now, is that fair?”

“It’s your dime.”

She set the time to his precise instructions and took him then.

“Just ignore the shoe cobblers up front. They’re used to us.”

“Shouldn’t take long,” he said.

A half hour later he came back in and took a stool. “Another two years?” he asked.

“Sure,” said Penny. She took the machine back.

“Ignore the Bieber fan club. They’re—”

“Used to us?”

“I was going to say ‘completely oblivious,’ but that works, too.”

Isaac returned before long, and Penny directed the time machine to return home.

“Thank you for everything, Penny.” Isaac shook her hand. “This was everything I’d hoped. I’d like to invest in your company and help you expand. Would you join me for dinner to discuss it?”

“I… I’d love to. I was just thinking about expanding this morning.”

“Great.” They climbed out of the machine. “I very recently came into a bit of a windfall, and I think this is just the place to use it.”

“The investments?”

He nodded, a glint in his eyes.

“So, what was the third trip for?”

Isaac flipped his keys on a bare ring. “Your father is very proud of you.”

She gasped. “You didn’t!”

They walked into the front where a bouquet of mums stood on the counter. The card said, ‘To Penny, my new business partner. Isaac Singer.’

She smelled them. “When did you have time to order flowers?”

“I like to plan ahead.” He walked to the door.

“You’re a sneaky and thoughtful man. I’m going to be careful with you.”

“Wise,” he said.

“Wait—when and where do you want to meet?”

“You already know.”

She shook her finger, nodded her head, and smiled.

Day 344: Sparrow

“You’re hysterical.” Dwayne had to admit the girl had his attention. This petite firecracker of a girl just pulled him into a diner and told him half his life story. The hysterical part was her saying she was repeating the same day over and over and that somehow Dwayne was the key for breaking out of it.

“How would I know everything I just told you?” she asked.

“Kara, you seem like a sweet girl, and you’re plenty attractive. If you want to go out with me, you don’t have to Google me to build up this elaborate ploy.”

She scowled. “Don’t be such a conceited turd.”

Dwayne laughed. “Did Cooper put you up to this?”

Kara blew air through her teeth. “You’re exasperating. Can’t you think for just a minute about what I’m telling you?”

Dwayne sat back. “Look. If you really want to impress me, tell me something only I would know, not a bio you stripped off one of my web forums.”

“Okay. Give me something.”

“I’m not going to tell you.”

“It’s for next time.”

“Oh.” He laughed and rolled his eyes. “Right.” He nodded and gave her a smug grin. “Okay.”

Dwayne thought for a minute. “Tell me I hid Benny’s rabbit’s foot behind the loose kick board.”

#

“You’re hysterical.” Dwayne had to admit this little firecracker had his attention.

“It’s true.” She leaned forward and grabbed his arm. “Now listen to me. You hid Benny’s rabbit’s foot behind the loose kick board.”

Dwayne raised his eyebrows. Now he was impressed. “Clearly Benny put you up to this. Did he say how he figured it out?”

“I don’t know Benny. You told me that last time we did this.”

“Look, you’re kinda cute. You don’t need this elaborate pl—”

“Can it, loverboy.” She shook his arm. “You told me it would impress you enough to convince you.”

“Apparently not.”

“How in the world would I know that, Dwayne?”

“Like I said, you obviously worked it out with Benny. He knew more than I thought he did.”

Kara let go of his arm and clenched her fists. “I… don’t… know… Benny.”

“Look, if you really want to amaze me, tell me something that only ever involved myself.”

Kara sighed. “Okay. Give me something for the next time.”

Dwayne smiled and nodded. “R-i-i-i-ght.”

He tilted his head and thought for a moment. “What did I name the sparrow I rescued from the Mumfords’ cat?” He folded his arms and waited.

Kara leaned forward. “You need to tell me.”

“Oh, right-right-right.” He chuckled. “Okay, keep in mind I was seven at the time.” Dwayne looked her in the eyes, not sure he was prepared for this level of intimacy with a stranger. “Keekeepoo.”

Dwayne caught a slight grin forming on her face, but she suppressed it.

“Okay. See you again next time.” She got up and walked toward the door.

“Hey, wait. You want some breakfast?”

She shook her head and waved.

#

“You’re hysterical.” This little firecracker impressed him, though she obviously had help.

“This isn’t a game,” she said. “I’ve lived this day more times than I can remember.”

“Is seeing me every morning so bad?” Dwayne half suppressed his impish grin. “It’s been incredible for me.”

“Keekeepoo.”

Dwayne furrowed his brow. “What?”

“That’s the name of your sparrow. The one you saved from the Mumfords’ cat.”

Dwayne burst out laughing, then looked at her with new eyes.

“That’s not the name of a sparrow,” he said. “It’s the password I insisted my little brother use to get into the tree fort.”

Kara’s jaw dropped. She threw up her hands. “I can’t believe you. You wasted a day feeding me bullshit?”

“I wouldn’t call it wasted. There’s nobody in the world I know but myself with that sense of humor.” Dwayne hitched his mouth and nodded. “I believe you.”

Kara’s face radiated relief.

“So now what?” he asked.

“Now we have a day to solve the puzzle before it starts all over again.”

“Okay. Mind if we get some breakfast?”

She smiled and nodded. “You really think I’m plenty attractive?”

“Um. Where’d that come from?”

Day 340: Yakobi256

Before the ambulance stopped, the Yakobi256 burst out of the back, and Keith had to jump to keep up with his end of the gurney.

The robot reached the side of the car and worked his metal fingers under the edge. “I’m going to take care of you, sir.” The Yakobi pried the door open. “What’s your name?”

“Ken. Ken Lassiter.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Lassiter.” He fit the neck brace on and secured it.

“Are you in pain?”

“My legs.”

“Okay. I’ve got you, Mr. Lassiter. Was anyone else in the car?”

“Just me.”

Keith winced at the sight of Ken’s twisted leg, the bones undoubtedly broken.

With quick movements, the robot secured Ken’s leg with a splint.

Keith finally became useful by helping the robot put him onto the gurney. By the time Barry, the ambulance driver, got to them, they were ready to load.

The efficiency of the Yakobi line, specialized for EMTs, barely gave Keith the chance to interact with the patients. Only the regulation to have a human being present to override any bad decisions kept Keith’s job secure. He wondered how long that would last.

Keith had to admit, the robots cut the time to treat patients and get them to a hospital down to a third of what it was without them.

The next call was a bad one. A factory fire where the roof caved in. The Kawasakis, contracted and specialized for rescue, pulled out victim after victim, horribly burned, crushed, lacerated, and punctured.

The Yakobis triaged them with instantaneous decisions, Keith and the other EMTs following their lead. The carnage visibly shook the human EMTs, especially when the Kawasakis pulled a group of touring high school students from the wreckage, but the unfazed and unflappable Yakobis kept on with ruthless efficiency. Keith was grateful to have them.

When the last ambulance left the hospital, Keith was spent. Nearly unable to function, his shift ended, and he gathered his brothers-in-arms for the pub. The Yakobis set up for the next shift, ever ready, never stopping, except for occasional maintenance.

Barry paid for the first round of pitchers. “Thank God for the Yakobis.”

“And the Kawasakis,” said Harlan, the least shaken of them.

“How many you figure they saved?” Barry gulped down half his mug.

Keith filled his own. “The Yakobis, at least half a dozen. Who knows about the Kawasakis.”

Harlan drained his mug and refilled. “I’m not sure how much longer we’ll be doing this.”

“I hear you,” said Keith.

A waitress dropped two plates of nachos in front of them and spun away.

“No,” said Harlan. “I mean they’re reworking the regs to put two Yaks per ambo, sometimes three.” He grabbed the nacho with the biggest hunk of hamburger on it. “They may require only one man per scene.”

“It was only a matter of time,” said Barry.

“It’s overkill,” said Harlan. “Don’t get me wrong, they have obvious value, but they’re going to put them beyond their limits.”

“Why aren’t you at the hearings, then?” asked Barry.

Harlan flicked an olive at him. “I was. That’s why I know about it, dipshit.”

Barry pulled the olive off his shirt and set it on a napkin.

“Hopefully we’ll see it coming and be able to adjust,” said Keith.

Keith left after the second round since he had early shift the next day. A fitful night of sleep left him exhausted, but he dragged himself to work.

The first call was a weird one. An explosion at a data center, some semi-secret facility, and sabotage was suspected. Keith was first ambo on the scene. There weren’t many people in the place, and everyone that came out was uninjured, but they didn’t know if anyone was still inside.

Keith and his Yakobi256 followed Kawasakis through hallways into a devastated office area, the roof caved in on one side. The Yakobi continued on as the Kawasakis pulled up debris. The next room was the data center, big double doors hanging off their hinges.

The Yakobi pulled them back and secured them. Keith followed the robot inside. Racks of servers had been blasted off their bases, the casings smashed and mangled. Fragments of circuit boards and wires scattered everywhere, blue Ethernet cables tangled through everything. Toward the destroyed office were mainframes, one toppled on its side, another with a cracked case, pieces of metal and silicon spilling out. A third was completely torn to pieces in a trail toward the offices.

Keith scanned the room and picked his way around the jumbled racks, then realized the Yakobi wasn’t in front of him like usual. He turned back toward the entrance to see it still standing by the doors.

The robot collapsed to its knees. It was more than it could take. It completely shut down.

Day 337: Junder the Tree Puller

Junder used to be an angry troll, which was a lot like saying the sun used to be bright. His friend Garbol had changed him. Turned him docile. Given him purpose.

The troll remembered the days when he sat on the men he caught, crushing them to jelly for a delicious meal, but he’d learned to be satisfied with the meats the men supplied him.

His life was tree removal. His bosses appreciated him for it, a feeling he’d never known among his own, but coworkers mostly resented him. He could accomplish more than the entire team in a day, pulling trees up by their roots and clearing away several tons with his bare hands.

A family with three kids had just purchased a house, and Junder’s foreman, Rocky, instructed him to remove a dying cottonwood in the back yard. He bent his knees and wrapped his arms around the bole.

“Don’t rip out my tree,” said a voice.

Junder released it and stepped back. “I have to.”

“This tree is my home.”

Junder scratched his chin. “It belongs to the people who live in this house.”

“I’ve lived here far longer than they. What right do they have over my home?”

“Uh… It is a dead tree. It will fall on their children.”

“What right do their children have over centuries of occupation?”

Junder grimaced. “I don’t know.”

“Go away and leave my tree alone.”

Junder plodded to the front yard where Rocky and his crew worked on an elm branch overhanging the house.

“Done already?” asked Rocky.

“He doesn’t want me to pull it.”

“What? Who? The owner?”

“No,” Junder rubbed his head. “The… the thing.”

“What thing?”

“It lives in the tree.”

Rocky handed a chainsaw to the next guy on the branch. “I tell you what. You tell the thing to come see me, and while it’s here, pull the tree.”

Junder wrinkled his nose and trudged back to the cottonwood.

“My foreman wants to see you.”

“I don’t want to see the foreman.”

Junder scratched his chin. “He’s the boss.”

“He has no right.”

“Who are you?” asked Junder.

“I am the master of this tree.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m inside, dunderhead.”

“Junderhead… Junder.”

“This is my tree.”

“It could fall on the children.”

“I don’t care. They have no right.”

Junder lumbered to the front. “He says I have no right to pull the tree.”

“Did you tell him to come up here?” asked Rocky.

“He refused.”

“What the hell.” Rocky spat and let himself down the tree with the rope. “Show me.”

They approached the cottonwood.

“Where is this guy?” asked Rocky.

“In the tree.”

Rocky walked around the bole. “That’s impossible, Junder. This thing isn’t hollow.”

Junder shrugged.

“Pull it,” said Rocky.

“You have no right,” said the voice.

Junder looked at Rocky.

“What are you waiting for?”

“Didn’t you hear him?”

“I didn’t hear a thing. Pull it.”

“You have no right. You have no right. You have no right.”

“Go on,” said Rocky.

Junder nodded and Rocky trotted to the front.

The troll grabbed the tree and pulled.

“You have no right. You have no right. You have no right.”

He ripped the tree from the ground and lay it down gently.

As the dirt shook out of the roots, a tree demon, a vaguely bipedal mass of red roots with tumor-like growths all over, dropped out and screamed. “You had no right to do that. How dare you. How dare you. No right.”

Junder scratched his chin. “I don’t know what that means, but he’s the boss.”

Day 334: Lawn Treatments

Jonesy drove the John Deere riding lawn mower, pulling his aerator over every square foot of the Martins’ lawn, making sure to treat under the maple tree twice. He’d fitted the aerator with a seed spreader filled with his own recipe for sprite repellent—hexed sand, ground dill seed, and a shredded copy of the New York Times.

When he was finished, Mrs. Martin waited for him in the driveway, her scruffy terrier, Mimsy, on a leash. A tall woman with a pony tail, she wore white slacks, a white blouse, and a yellow sweater.

“That should do it, Mrs. Martin. They won’t be coming around for a while.” Jonesy unhooked the aerator and opened the back of his pickup truck.

“How long will the treatment last?” She scowled at the lawn.

“A few months at least.”

She nodded sternly. “Worth every penny. Nasty little creatures. Let them go bother the Fagans’ yard.”

“The Fagans?”

“Yes. They’re the scourge of the neighborhood and an affront to good taste, constantly littering their place with gaudy decorations. You can’t miss them. They’re the lime green house with the lawn jockeys out front. Lawn jockeys!” She scoffed.

Jonesy chuckled. “Well, the sprites won’t bother you for a while. Mimsy can run around without getting tied up in ivy and covered in tree sap.”

Mrs. Martin’s growl sounded more threatening than Mimsy’s. “Thank you.”

Jonesy handed her a few cards. “Please spread the word. I can’t exactly advertise these services.”

After Jonesy spent the rest of the week ridding a neighborhood of spruce goblins, he received a frantic message from Mrs. Martin.

“Come at once! The property is overrun and they’re getting into the house!”

Jonesy’s sprite repellent had never failed before, so he hurried over with great concern. Had they become resistant?

He pulled into her driveway. Fireflies and grasshoppers swarmed the place—or so he thought. A closer look showed them to be spirea dragons, the occasional bursts of flame a severe hazard.

Mrs. Martin came out of the house completely wrapped in a grey sheet, only her face showing.

“What are these things? Can you get rid of them?”

“Yeah.” Jonesy pulled out his herbicide applicator and filled it with Guinness Stout. “This happens sometimes. Getting rid of the sprites upsets the balance of things a little. They kept these spirea dragons under control.”

Jonesy put on a protective bee suit veil and sprayed the lawn and bushes. The spirea dragons scattered, dropped, and fled.

“That should be good for at least a couple weeks. If they come back, give me a call.”

Another day, another frantic message.

“They’re evil,” she screamed. “They urinated in the bird bath, they ate all my roses, and they…” An uncontrolled sob. “…They said I was an old bat.”

Jonesy knew what they were before he arrived. Seven two-foot gnomes lounged in the front yard, one smearing the words ‘one lone crone’ on the front door with berries, another pulling up the flagstone. Thank goodness they weren’t the three footers. One of them flipped him off when he got out of his truck, and another climbed the maple tree and spat at him.

Jonesy shooed the berry poet away and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Martin opened, blackish bags under her eyes, her hair a mess.

She dropped her head and sobbed. “Please help.”

Jonesy nodded, trying to give her a sympathetic and comforting look. “I was afraid that might happen. The Guiness drives away spirea dragons but attracts gnomes.”

“What can you do?”

“There are only two methods that are really effective against them.” Jonesy put on a very professional and steady tone. These would be hard pills for her to swallow. “You have to completely dig up your entire lawn—trees and all—or you have to put something on your lawn they are extremely afraid of.”

Jonesy saw the hope in her eyes, sorry for what he had to tell her.

“What are they afraid of?”

“Pink flamingos.”

Mrs. Martin’s mouth fell open, and her eyes went wide. Her lips trembled.

“Tear out the lawn,” she said.

“It could be worse,” Jonesy said. “At least they weren’t nymph trolls.”

“Why? What are they afraid of?”

“Lawn jockeys.”

“Tear it out!” She slammed the door.

Day 330: The Interrogation

Donnie Peterson enjoyed the relief after he finished the polygraph test required for his clearance in the U.S. Department of Secret Stuff. It seemed to go okay once they got passed his obsession with crazy dog-grooming pageants.

After a long wait, the interrogators returned, Agents McCabe and Hoffman or Hoffner or something like that. Agent McCabe was a clean-shaven, black-haired thirty something that looked a lot like Randy Travis, and Hoffson had gray hair and a paunch.

McCabe set his notebook on the table. “Mr. Peterson, we’ve examined the results, and we think you’re holding something back from us. We’re going to hook you back up and start again.”

Hoffmeier prepped the machine and hooked Donnie up, while McCabe sat in opposition as before.

Donnie’s anxiety tripled what it was the first round.

“We usually have some idea what it has to do with, but your readings are all over the map.”

“I told the truth about everything.”

“But did you tell us everything?”

“Is that even possible?” asked Donnie.

McCabe marked in his notebook. Donnie thought it said ‘evasive.’ McCabe waited until Hoffgoober gave him the nod.

“Let’s talk about your loyalty, Mr. Peterson,” said McCabe.

“Okay.”

“You said you had no loyalty to any other country.”

“Yes.”

“Is that really true?”

“Yes.”

“What about your affinity for Scotland? You’ve been there how many times?”

“Three. I have Scottish ancestry on my mother’s side, so, yeah, we’re into their history, their culture, the land.”

“Have you ever worn a kilt?”

“Er… no… why?”

McCabe looked to Hoffschizzle, who nodded.

“Wouldn’t you question the loyalty of a man in a skirt?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“You said you’d never committed a crime?”

“Never,” said Donnie.

“Never.” McCabe tilted his head and raised his eyebrows as if he didn’t believe him.

“No. Never.”

“Didn’t you used to walk every day to Saint Obama the Immaculate Elementary School?”

“Yes.” Donnie squinted. Where was this going?

“You used to take Pine street to Irving?”

“Yes.” The detail of the agent’s knowledge scared Donnie a little.

“Can you tell me truthfully that you never once jaywalked across Pine to avoid the wait at the light?”

“Uh….”

“Mr. Peterson, did you ever jaywalk across Pine Street?”

“I was a kid. I didn’t think—”

“You’re to tell us everything, Mr. Peterson. From the cradle to now.”

“I think I slipped my diaper and peed in the geraniums once.”

McCabe marked in his notebook. Donnie could clearly read that it said ‘sarcastic deflection.’

“Answer the question, Mr. Peterson.”

“Yeah, I guess I did. I followed my big brother—Does this really make any difference?”

McCabe looked to Hoffalump, who nodded.

“We’re just trying to find out what you’re holding back, Mr. Peterson. Something you’ve thought about, but didn’t tell us.”

Agent McCabe checked off a few things. “It doesn’t seem to be a matter of loyalty or criminal activity, Mr. Peterson, which means it’s of a more serious nature. It’s got to be something you are deeply ashamed of—something that could be used for blackmail.” He folded his hands. “What are you afraid of, Mr. Peterson?”

“Nothing.”

McCabe looked to Hoffsnuggie, who shook his head.

“Did you watch Teletubbies as a child?”

“No.” Donnie’s voice dripped with disgust.

“As an adult?”

“No.” His tone resonated with offense.

“How many Hello Kitty action figures do you own?”

“None.” He sputtered with horror.

“Are you a Bronie?”

“No!” Shock.

“We know there’s something, Mr. Peterson. What is it? Do you karaoke? Do you cosplay? Do you play trivia in bars?”

“No. None of those things.”

“What is it, then, Mr. Peterson?” Agent McCabe stood up, leaned over, and stared into Donnie’s eyes, nose-to-nose. “Are you a closet metrosexual?”

“No!”

“What are you hiding, Mr. Peterson?”

“It’s just….”

McCabe pounded the table. “There is something.”

“I can’t….”

“What is it, Mr. Peterson?”

“I….”

“Out with it.”

“I cheat at Putt-Putt Golf.”

Agent McCabe’s eyes went wide. He looked at Hoffpiddler, who nodded, his eyes grave and cold. McCabe sat down and rubbed his forehead.

A tear formed in Donnie’s eye. “I tried to stop, but I can’t help myself.”

McCabe pushed his chair back and turned to the side as if he wanted nothing to do with Donnie. “I’m afraid this disqualifies you, Mr Peterson.”

“Please. Don’t tell my wife. If she ever found out….”

Day 328: Latter-day Sirens

In her immortal lifetime, Terpsichore had not seen their island change. High crags on all sides, sharp stone that split open every ship that ran into it. Her two sisters stood on each side of her, the wind blowing their shawls in the winds.

“Sisters, we must face the truth that the world has grown beyond our wiles,” said Melpemene.

“We are too pure, and the maidens too willing,” said Chthon.

“Forsooth, their is nothing we offer, except the beauty they all left behind,” said Terpsichore.

Melpemene stretched her arms forward, her shawl dropping from her shoulders. “We must reconcile to this world or perish.”

Terpsichore looked away, up into the endless constellations. “I will not prostitute myself to this modern dance.”

“Oh, Terpsichore, not all is corrupted. There is beauty therein.”

“There is beauty in every whore, and I shall not aspire to be among them.”

“Then cast thee into the sea of oblivion and never again let thy relevance be known.”

“Be not so cruel, Melpemene.” Chthon raised a hand to the horizon. “Here comes a ship. Let us ply our wiles to bring it crashing to our shore.”

The sirens hummed softly, then opened their mouths to a glorious chorus, taming the birds and seals. It grew louder but remained pure, carrying across Poseidon’s waves. Terpsichore swayed and stepped with muted sensuality, then twirled in the wind.

The ship grew near, straight for the unforgiving cliffs, but it changed course to make a pass without collision.

Terpsichore’s sisters did the unthinkable. Chthon’s voice turned to a rough growl, scraping out a rhythm, and Melpemene sang with brutish tones. This music was not worthy of ancient myth, and Terpsichore ceased her part in it.

The ship slowed as if curious, but sailed by, the sailors neither covering their ears nor lashing each other to the masts.

As it continued away, the ship made its own music, primitive percussion joined with rhythmic but unmusical voices, louder than the sirens, yet Terpsichore could not see the musicians. She could not fathom the music that often came from nothing on these new ships. The voice repeated words she could not discern except for the repeated phrase ‘…none of yo’ business….’

The sound dwindled until the sound of wave and wind consumed it.

“We are but a passing curiosity now,” lamented Melpemene.

“What torment from beyond the Styx have you brought to us,” said Terpsichore.

Melpemene threw here chest forward, her chin high. “It is one of the new ways, and we must learn it.”

“You have lost your immortal wits and reverted to childhood.” Terpsichore turned to Chthon. “You share her dedication?”

“I must say, for sooth, it gives me discomfort. Yet, what can we do if we are to remain eminent in the world.”

Another ship appeared on the horizon, and when it neared enough for their voices to carry, they trilled into soulful crooning, but the sound was so puerile, Terpsichore could not elevate it.

“What are you doing?” she said.

“Joining them where they dwell.”

“I knew not that they lived in an oubliette.”

The ship did not even slow when her sisters audibly changed to even more immature voices. Terpsichore again withdrew.

“We should try the hard music for the next one,” said Chthon. Terpsichore refused, but she could see Chthon’s excitement.

Melpemene joined with her. They went from melodic to wild, almost yelling, not so flattering even from a siren.

The ship didn’t come near.

“We are lost,” said Melpemine.

“We are not lost,” said Terpsichore. “Our spirits merely linger in a world that is lost.”

“Then that is who we will bring in,” said Chthon. “Those who’s spirits still live in the long lost world.”

“There must be someone,” said Melpemine.

“There will be.” Terpsichore straightened her shawl. “And he will have a most glorious death.”

Day 320: A Wizard’s Work….

Garbol dreamed of a talking trout rousting him out of bed to fight demons that clambered out of an earthquake’s fissure.

Screams jolted him awake. He slumped in the back corner seat of a Greyhound bus, his Iowa State jacket wrapped around him, his Notre Dame hat pulled over his eyes, his pool stick gripped against his chest.

A wraith crawled along the ceiling in front and took swipes at the passengers. Any that he touched fell frozen to their seats or to the floor.

Garbol slid out of the bench and jabbed his pool cue toward the thing. “Touch not the passengers, ye foul ghost. See me, a traveler, ye want most.”

The wraith flattened on the roof and crept toward him. Through the black smoke of its ethereal form, Garbol discerned a thick mustache and prominent teeth, horns coming out the back of its head, more like a horned toad than a ruminant. It looked like a really pissed off Freddie Mercury wearing a helmet and it crawled toward him like Spiderman.

“What the hell are you?”

It spoke in a far away echo as if it were in a deep stone pit, a guttural language Garbol vaguely recognized, Pictish maybe? This wraith was very old and had wandered the earth a long, long time. As it neared, Garbol warded himself and the passengers around him.

The screams died down to gasps and whimpers, and the bus driver pulled onto the shoulder.

Garbol waved his pool stick in a circle, which made the wraith stop and cringe. “Through tearful moans and frightened cries, show me home through ghostly eyes.”

Whisps of black smoke billowed from its back and through it appeared a stone cylinder rising from the ground, tapering slightly inward.

“You’re not a wraith. You’re a broch shadow.” Garbol studied the thing with new eyes, and it stared back reflecting ancient purpose and loneliness. “Who just came from Scotland?”

No one answered.

“I could forget it and let this thing find you.”

“We came from there.” Two middle-aged ladies sitting next to each other held their hands up. One had a scarf with blues and greens, a Campbell tartan, the other similar but with bold red lines, a MacDonald.

“Do you have any idea…? Never mind. What did you bring from Scotland?”

“Just a few trinkets,” said the MacDonald scarf.

Garbol hardened his voice even more. “What…did you take…from a broch?”

“Nothing,” said MacDonald.

Garbol turned on his don’t-mess-with-me voice. “Get your bags.”

They pulled seven pieces of luggage from the storage compartment.

“You’re seriously going to make me search each one of these? You took something from a broch. What was it?”

“We didn’t take anything,” said the Campbell.

The broch shadow crawled out the top of the bus door and squatted on a side window.

Garbol waved a hand. The suitcase clasps popped. They hopped into the air, turned over, and opened, dumping their contents onto the ground.

“Hey!” said the MacDonald.

“Where’s the artifact?” asked Garbol.

“You didn’t have to do that,” said the Campbell. She went to the smallest suitcase and pulled a stone with swirls carved on it out of the pile. “I didn’t find it at a broch. It was in a shepherd’s hut.”

Garbol took it. “Near a broch.”

The Campbell pushed her lower lip out. “You asked what we took from a broch. Can your magic repack our things now?”

Garbol glared at her. “You play games at parsing words with me, and you want me to pack your bags?”

“You dumped them.”

“This is why we’re all going to die,” said Garbol. He swept his pool cue over the luggage and scattered them along with their contents into the ditch by the road. “Enjoy yourselves, ladies.”

MacDonald scoffed. “You are no gentleman, sir.”

Garbol stepped up to the shadow and held the stone in front of him. Its hands wrapped around it, but couldn’t take it. Garbol grabbed the pouch hanging around his neck, pulled the opening loose, and placed the stone inside. He made a show of warding it, and he swore he saw the shadow relax. “I’ll see you in Orkney.”

The shadow faded as it turned, crawled over the top of the bus, and disappeared.

The driver waited outside for the tartan ladies while the rest of the passengers reboarded, the frozen ones stirring and getting back in their seats. Garbol worked his way to the back and sat down.

“Mr. wizard, the ones that were frozen are speaking a strange language. Like the ghost did.”

He wrapped himself with his jacket and pulled his cap over his eyes. “It won’t last long.”

Later that day, Garbol dispatched a zapworm in the bus station’s toilet and helped a young mother with three kids get rid of a witch’s hex that made them have to pee every three minutes.

On the car ride up to the cabin he encountered a pitifully weak warlock who got his jollies from casting spells on woodchucks that made them run out into traffic. Garbol put an incantation upon him that would make him squawk like a chicken, repeat the words “I’m pretty,” and fart continuously the next few times he used magic.

At the cabin, he shook everything off, set up a lawn chair by the lake, baited a hook, and cast a line.

The sun warmed him, the breeze cooled him, and the sounds of nature soaked into his bones.

“Garbol, I need to talk to you.” A carp the size of a raccoon popped its head out of the water.

“Did you just talk to me?”

“Yes. It’s Hascal. I’ve got a hoard of gnomes that took over a skating rink in Chicago. Can you go?”

“Nope,” said Garbol. “I’m on vacation.”