Day 287: Interview for an Alien Abductor

Heeka, a gray, and proud of it, opened the front door to his office for the first candidate, a muddy colored black with the typical almond eyes humans had become so accustomed to. Though he wouldn’t admit it if pressed, Heeka already decided against him on the eyes alone, but he had to go through the motions.

“Please have a seat Rab Moonda. Are you thirsty? Can I get you any essence of earthling or synthserum?”

“No, thank you,” said Moonda.

“I see here you have seven years abducting Hokkelobes in the Jilp sector and two years abducting earthlings.”

“Yes, rab.”

“Git Gut Go is the biggest abduction company in the galaxy. What makes you right for GGG?”

“With thirty-seven abductions, my ship has never been spotted, and I’ve never lost a subject. I also have a ninety-eight point two-seven memory erasure average.”

Heeka wiggled his brow. “Impressive. Do you use electro-replatelization or surgical map and removal?”

“M and R. Definitely.”

“What about the well-being of the subject?”

“I’ve never lost one.”

Heeka had to admit, this rab looked pretty good. He skimmed the application for any disqualifying thing he could find, but came up empty. It was time for the killer question.

“Rab Moonda, we’re instituting a new abduction program in anticipation that the Galactic Interspeciel Treaty renewal will fall through, and we expect to broaden our program to include any kind not protected by pre-existing pacts. Are you willing to take part in that?”

“Uh…erm…sure. Whatever needs to be done.”

“Very good. Thank you for you time. We’ll be in touch. Please exit through the side door.” Heeka put the application in the acceptance pile.

The next applicant was another biped, a red. Four feet of raw muscle, a face like a stonefish, and breath like human sewage. These guys were ruthless abductors, responsible for about seventy-five percent of all earthlings and a whole lot more elsewhere in the galaxy. Heeka hated them and often referred to them as the red demons.

Heeka didn’t waste any time. “Rad Glorbonoz, what makes you right for GGG?”

“Dedication and drive.” The demon slurped his eye with his tongue. “We always look out for the team. It’s the secret to our success.”

Heeka didn’t listen, instead contemplating the fuzz collecting under his zeeblopocks. “Sure. Just so you understand, we’re hiring for a new program put together in response to the failure of the Interspecies Tribunal to renew the Galactic Interspeciel Treaty. A lot of new species are going to be up for grabs. Are you up for that?”

Rad Glorbonoz exgorged his stomach and swallowed it again, then licked its eyes. “Thank you, no. This job isn’t for me. Treaty or no, I will give those species the respect they earned.”

“All right.” Heeka shooed him out the front door. “Get out then.” He put the application in the rejection pile.

The third applicant was a blue, a rubbery looking thing with a face like an hourglass. Heeka put him through the ringer, hitting every aspect of his resume and picking apart his experience. The expertise and finesse of the creature thoroughly impressed him.

“Great answers, so far,” said Heeka. “What would you think of doing abductions of species that were in the Galactic Interspeciel Treaty—now that it’s dead? You willing to join a team doing that?”

“I wouldn’t only join, I would develop your methods and guarantee success in every way.”

Heeka nodded. “Very well. We’ll be in touch. Take the side exit, please.” He put the pile in the accept pile.

He opened his office door and peaked into the lobby. No more applicants. He locked the door, picked up the acceptance pile, and went through the side exit.

On the other side was a big room with a line of twenty metal tables, an alien strapped to the first eleven and four grays like himself were strapping the blue onto the twelfth table. The blue cried and cursed, but the grays handled him. On the eleventh table, the black one he’d interviewed first stared into the light above him as robotic implements performed various probes, tests, and surgeries upon him.

One of the grays broke from the others and greeted Heeka.

“Screening went well today, Rab Heeka?”

“It certainly did, Rab Durba.” Heeka handed him the applications. “I thought I was going to nab me a red demon, but he didn’t work out.”

Durba tucked the applications under his arm. “They’re never what you expect them to be, are they?”


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