Day 125: Invisibility Pills

Don’t ask me how I got them, the pills. There’s a master chemist on Washington Avenue who does this kind of thing. I suppose they might have come from him, but that’s not who gave them to me. All I can tell you is that they gave me four of them, and they make you completely invisible for almost an entire day.

I took the first one last Thursday because I wanted to know what my managers would say in the employee review meetings. I know, I know—why didn’t I use them to get into a bank and make off with loads of cash? Because I’m not a criminal—that’s why. You’d be surprised how limited your use of invisibility can be if your not willing to break the law.

I got into the conference room easily and tucked myself snugly into a corner. In case you’re wondering—yes, all my clothes were off. I don’t care how invisible you are, standing buck naked in the same room with your managers gives you the heebie-jeebies.

These managers, normally the epitome of professionalism, shredded their staff behind closed doors. Not regarding work—work was hardly mentioned. No, this was personal talk about weight, smell, looks, stupidity, and any other character failings they could think of.

They all agreed I was a whining loser with a face like a Budgett’s frog. Have you ever seen a Budgett’s frog?

I was genuinely hurt and humiliated. It made me want to be invisible forever.

I used a second pill to find out how they made the secret sauce at Joey’s Mighty Burger. You’d be surprised how crowded it gets in the preparation area when the morning crew gets all the food ready. I slipped in and found a spot between some empty milk crates and pickle buckets. I was ready to watch ingredients mixing.

What I actually watched was two girls and three guys polluting the food in multifarious ways. Joey worked the meat-patty machine with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. The ashes dropped into the meat hopper and onto the counter where the vegetables were cut. The guy cutting the onions kept sniffling and wiping his nose while he worked, and the gal making the salad kits kept using the same dirty measuring cup for chicken, eggs, sprouts and other ingredients.

I won’t tell you every little thing I saw, but I’ll never eat there again. I was so distraught, I didn’t even notice what they put in the sauce. Joey made it, so it was probably ten percent cigarette tar.

My life changed drastically due to these two small incidents, so I held off for a while before using the next pill. I knew the temptation would get me before long, and the arrival of the ‘My Little Pony’ miniatures painting contest was too much. I snuck in to watch the judging.

They appalled me with the very first thing they did. They opened a pile of bribe envelopes to see which ones paid higher than others. I haven’t even watched ‘My Little Pony’ since.

I can’t handle these pills. You can have the last one. Use it wisely.

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