Chrimkrimchim wanted to abduct all the humans his superordinate, Chikachikmirsh, needed for the human cognition study commissioned by the Shlshtshingshnish Institute of Otherworld Creatures. He hadn’t managed to acquire a single earthling for the previous investigation.
The trick was to get his ship somewhere close to earthlings so he could lure them in. Shlshtshingshnishes were not as well equipt as most intelligent species, and they were not very big. Using earth references, they looked like an octopus perched on top of an armadillo wearing a grass skirt. It made disguising themselves as humans very difficult. So instead of abducting by force like most, they lured the humans into their traps, and due to their lack of resources, that meant luring them into their ships.
Chrimk sent out a mailer with coupons to get five tacos for the price of one. He then waited until the middle of the night to land his ship in the center of the Pineview Mall’s parking lot in Omaha, and hung out a sign saying: ‘UFO Tacos.’ Theme restaurants were all the rage, right? He set the aroma disperser to mimic a taco stand he used to frequent in disguise in Washington, D.C. Those were some hairy days.
The inside of the ship was set to look like a Mexican restaurant, funneling the subjects through a hallway into a sleep chamber. The chamber was fitted with a sound frequency emitter that immediately sent earthlings into unconsciousness.
At eleven o’clock he turned on the aroma disperser and humans started filing in. When he had about sixty—plenty for the study—he closed the doors and hung up a sign: ‘Closed by Health Department.’ That night he flew off of earth to their multi-species space station behind Jupiter and presented Chikach with his catch.
“These are all college students,” Chikach said. “For a proper cognitive study, we need a sample representative of the entire lifespan of human beings.”
“What should I do?” Chrimk asked with a sycophantic cringe.
“Throw them back and try again.”
Chrimk was crestfallen. Instead of being discouraged, he resolved to get the job done quickly so he could contribute significantly to the project.
This time he landed his spaceship in the most popular park in West Omaha. He knew just the thing to attract all ages and types. He hacked into the Pokemon Go game and planted some Bulbasaurs and Squirtles around the ship, then loaded up some Pikachus inside it.
Chrimk was right. Humans of all ages and kinds showed up. Funny thing, though—he didn’t have to use the sound frequencies to put them asleep. In fact, he had no control over them at all. They simply wandered around looking for more Pikachus without regard to their surroundings and completely oblivious of the fact they were on a spaceship. In fact, Chrimk didn’t even bother with a disguise. Other than a few who threw a ball at him, no one paid him much mind.
They came in droves, filling the chambers to capacity and the rest of the ship as well. The mother load. Chrimk started up his ship to head for the space station, but the ship banked and dove with the weight and he had to set it back down. The continuous flow of earthlings that gathered for the Pikachus prevented him from using a full burst to the thrusters without endangering them.
Ultimately, he had to shut down his hack, and let everyone wander off looking for Venasaurs and Caterpies somewhere else.
Time was running short. By now his fellow underlings were starting to show up with onesy-twosey abductions, and they would fill the order before long. If he was going to contribute to the clinical violation of human beings, he would have to figure it out soon.
To get the job done, Chrimk took to twitter. He tweeted an advertisement for a Harry Potter costume competition, with the sixty best going on to meet the movie actors. The age variation should be great, and an intelligent species like the humans should be able to cooperate with the limit. Besides, how many humans would have Harry Potter costumes at hand for an impromptu event?
The result was mayhem. There were five times as many people, ready and in full costume, than there had been for Pokemon Go. Chrimk attempted to lead the costume judge panel, but he was summarily ignored as they judged themselves, and before they’d gotten too far along, they started to rush the spaceship, looking for Emma Watson autographs.
Chrimk was forced to repel them all with a forcefield and head up to the space station empty handed.
“Did you get the broad sample I need?” asked Chikach.
“I got something better,” said Chrimk. “I got results.”
“Really? How so?”
“I can conclude with an unassailable degree of certainty that earthlings do not achieve sufficient cognitive function to register on your study. Give it up, my liege.”